I can text with my tongue
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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