When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
