sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need a beard to bite.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
