Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
