i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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