i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
