Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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