I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
