I accidentally had phone sex last night
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
