You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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