u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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