As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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