Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
