having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You are the jesus of drinking
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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