If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
