normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
