Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
