He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You ruined the universe
Randomize
