my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
They have beer where we have blood.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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