shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
