Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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