i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She even gives head with a lisp.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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