I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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