John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
