sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Sacagawea was the original milf.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Randomize
