somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
