Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
