I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
