I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
