my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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