Don't you send me to vm
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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