I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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