I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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