Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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