I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
