So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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