he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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