FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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