the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
