this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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