Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
3pm strippers are depressing
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
