the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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