Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
