he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
