I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
