Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
