Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
