I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
