I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
