I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
