Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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