Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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