I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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