were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
