I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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